So I was thinking, since no one reads this, could I divulge all my deepest secrets? It’s like a diary, but instead of a tiny pony/heart/smiley face shaped lock, there is disinterest to keep my personal secrets safe. So here they are, in no particular order:

1. I occasionally eat ketchup right out of the packets. They’re free, right? So why not? They’re a little boost of lycopene and salt, and honestly  who can’t use more… lycopene… in their diet? And salt is a great way to slim down your oversized arteries.

2. I often draw gruesome images of people in my classes dying in terrible, terrible ways. However, after I do so, I realize in horror that they can probably see the person sitting next to them and what they are drawing, so if there is enough head left in the picture I add facial hair, glasses, etc. to throw off the scent. Although they still might think I’m weird for drawing a person ripping out their own stomach because they’ve got an itch.

3. I stalk people. Not because I’m a creepy freak who gets his snils and jibblies (?) from stalking people, but I just do it because I am really bad at conversation. Stalking people, on the internet or otherwise, is a great way to find out interesting things to talk about with them. It’s not like I’d ever use anything against the stalkees. And besides, with the advent of Facebook, it’s so gal-darned EASY!

4. I’m pregnant. With that (———>) guy’s baby. Don’t ask. It’s embarrassing.

5. I once threw my mother from a train. I blame Billy Crystal.